Mood is such a tricky thing to understand, and even harder so to control. There is no magic way of affecting it, let along instantly changing it to a positive state. Yet, some people seem to be always happy, while others spend most of their time mumbling and complaining with no particular reason. So, what’s the difference? And is it possible to decide what mood you want to be in in any particular moment in time. The answer is – yes, it is not only possible, but is relatively simple to achieve.
What is happiness for you? Perhaps, success, money, fame, or maybe falling in love. There is no one size suits all scenario in here. Especially when talking about happiness in intimate relationships. As our world develops, in science and technology, so do our relationships with other people. So, let’s explore our options in modern relationships. We can be single and willing to stay single...
As people meet and fall in love, they go on dates, get to know each other better, cannot live a day without being together. It seems, yes! here is the one I’ve been looking for all my life and he or she understands me like no one else. However, once they get married or start living together, all of a sudden some problems start arising. And, ironically enough, communication becomes one of top problems in long term relationships.
When we become involved in a relationship, we naturally change or adopt our behaviours to our partner’s ones. These might be small habits like eating take-away on Friday night or sleeping longer on Sunday, or more serious decisions like giving up smoking or learning new skill together. As relationship evolves partners exchange their behavioural attitudes and become more alike with time. Most of us would have seen on a friend example. He or she gets involved with someone and becomes a completely new person, acts differently, picks up new interests, often even dresses differently, and in many cases doesn’t spend as much time with “old friends” any more.
The year is quickly moving to an end and you are soon to face another Christmas dinner with the family being all curious about your private life. Which… well, doesn’t particularly exist at the moment. Maybe you’d dated someone this year, but it didn’t work out, or you decided to give up on dating all together and wait for something magical to happen. Whatever your situation is, the last thing you want is having to explain yourself to a curious crowd of relatives. Worst case scenario, they might even try to set you up with someone. Although that does sound terrible, it actually turned out quite well for Bridget!
Humanity’s best way to learn has always been through a story. We hear many stories every day, some of them simply go past our ears, but some touch us deeply, make our heart beat quicker and take our breath away. Those are the stories we most resonate with, those that make us realise we’ve been in the same situation, we’ve made the same mistakes, and we’ve learnt the same lessons.
I am being asked way too often about the use of online dating and whether it is possible to find your other half there. My answer is YES! Totally! But… if you know what you are doing. Like in everything in life, online dating requires a little caveat. It does work for those who are not afraid to show their true selves not only on the website profile, but bring their own selves to the first date.
Whether your partner doesn’t show up to a date, forgets about your birthday, or has no time for you at all, stop coming up with excuses of his busyness, tiredness or whatever it might be. He or she is just irresponsible and not attentive enough therefore is not worth your pain.
There is no reason for you to fall a victim to the circumstances and accept someone treating you worth than you deserve. Most of the time people with lower self-esteem or many failures in the past relationships are ready to sacrifice anything for the next one to work, even if it means letting yourself down and agree to much less than they were dreaming about.
We all have stories we tell ourselves. Whether positive or negative, they affect our life without us even realizing it. Very often I hear – “Oh, there are just not enough good men out there!”, or “Or girls are mean and nagging” or “No one would ever love me, I am just not good enough” and so on. This might come from our history, life perception, or in worst case scenario – from our social circle’s opinions about us. Too often people make premature judgements and bring up their “clever assumptions” not knowing how hurtful or even damaging it can be to the other person.
Heightened sexual appetites are not a problem for everyone...if one were to believe everything they read, you would think that people walk around all the time only thinking of sex in some way. While this might be true to an extent, that sex is never far from the mind, sometimes people need a helping hand to get in the mood.
In youth I enjoyed writing letters to my family (while away at university), actually mostly to my grandma, or perhaps no one else wanted to read them. But it was a two way amusement, she used to send me long letters in response. My grandma always taught me the power of written words, the energy and positive feelings that reading brings. I liked her reading loud the letters from my grandpa to her when they were young. I was very pleased with love and tenderness they put in each word. It meant a lot to me and used to touch me to tears even though I knew little about love in that age. I remember dreaming about my future “prince”, and hoping that one day he would write me such letters, filling the words with the beauty of love just the same way as my grandpa did.
We all have stories in our head and beliefs about who we are and why, what is true about us and what is not, what our fears and boundaries are, what the expectations of ourselves are. Some of it lies within our conscious mind, while a lot is hidden and programmed in our subconscious without us even being aware of it. Our subconscious is defined by years of history – childhood, teenage years, adulthood, through years every single event and behaviour of other people in our environment affect our being now. When we build families, we often don’t realise in what way our partner is going to influence our life and decisions, how he is going to shape our world, our truths about certain things and most importantly our own beliefs about ourselves. However, we cannot underestimate the value and impact of the loved person on our life.
Often we become so overwhelmed by the flying tempo of life that we forget how caring and attentive we should be towards partners. Often it is hard to stay on top of your own life let alone following what’s going on in our spouse’s life. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you forgot your partner had an important day at work, or was going on a business trip in couple of days. We are humans with our own moods and feelings, and it is not easy to keep up with everything, while still staying a loving and mindful partner.
I like the scene in the movie “Couples retreat” when one of the couples talk to the therapist, they said “we are happy, meaning we are making it through (marriage)”. Even though it is a typical Hollywood comedy, it can teach us a lot about loving relationships. Making it through is not a bad way of handling a partnership, but is it happiness in abundance?
We often need to stretch ourselves to accept new ideas into our mind. As most of what we do is habitual and happens almost automatically – our reactions, behaviors and responses. In most cases we don’t stop and take time to think about our feelings as reactions to certain situations. We just assume that whatever our reaction it is right, and in a way it defines who we are now, based on our past experiences and observations.
Do you often skip sex because you are either tired, not in the mood or busy with a million of other things? I guess this situation is familiar to many couples. Time became the most precious treasure of this century. More and more often it does not let us squeeze anything in our busy schedule, not talking about intimacy and true connection with our partners.
A lot has been said about the importance of emotional connection between the two people in love. It almost creates an invisible co-dependency. If your partner is in a bad mood or feeling low, it easily affects you without you even noticing and the same is true the other way around. Unfortunately a negative state often wins.
Old stereotypes made us believe that making love is naturally easy, happens by itself and doesn’t involve too much thinking or talking. We assume that both partners are just supposed to know what to do when it comes to the moment, and then by some magic everybody becomes satisfied. Seriously? Is that what you experience in the bedroom? I wish it was that easy, but the truth is – it is not!